No time for Mom

“Mom, don’t irritate me. Please leave me alone,” I howled. Not once, but umpteen times. She responded by quietly leaving the room and getting on with her daily chores. She wanted a few moments of my valuable time. She wanted to talk to me for a little while. Why would she want to disturb me when I was right in the middle of a very interesting conversation with my friend? I guess because she was a mother and she felt lonely at times. All she wanted at such times was someone to talk to and someone who would listen to her trivial stories. Not because she wanted to give advice or sermonize, but only because she wanted to connect with me on some level. She wanted to laugh at my jokes and tell me her stories in turn.

Like a typical teenager, I frequently avoided her. This discourteous behavior continued even after I entered my twenties. I never wanted to answer her questions and felt more inclined to be by myself in the confines of my room. Although she never understood my need for solitude, she gracefully reserved commenting on it and silently went about doing other things. Eventually, the frequency of her botheration decreased. Whenever she saw me sitting alone, she would just smile at me without uttering a word. Regrettably, I found relief in that.

A few years have passed since then and now I am at a nostalgic stage in my life where I long to sit with her and chat with her for hours. Narrate to her the smallest detail of my day. Share with her ridiculous anecdotes. Just see her beautiful smile. I yearn to see my mother and rest my head on her lap. I long to see the sparkle in her eyes and feel her gentle caressing hand on my forehead.

I shunned her once too often and now I carry a heavy heart filled with agonizing regret. The biggest bane is that all a man can ever do is repent. He can never undo his deeds. I wish I could go back in time and take away all the hurt I caused this beautiful woman. The one who hid my flaws with her grace and cushioned me with her care. She loved me unconditionally and cared for me even more when times were grueling. When the chips were down, her resilient spirit shone brighter and the smile on her face widened. She was a warrior at such times. She put up a brave front and shielded me like a loyal soldier.

Today, I feel an immense need to apologize to her and comfort her. Sit with her for long hours and listen to her. But most of all, I feel the need to thank her. Thank her for never being over-demanding or overbearing. Thank her for never shaming me or making me feel guilty for my behavior. Thank her for just letting me be.

I never realized how deeply I hurt my mother. Her silent spells that seemed like a relief to me then, haunt me now. Her absence has created a vacuum in my life. No matter how often I gave her a cold shoulder, all she ever offered me was warmth and comfort. I miss my mother’s open arms and salute her intrepid spirit. I live in the hope that she forgives me for all my misdoings. Home, I’ve realized is not a place, but a person. And all I long for right now is to be home in the solace of my mother’s protection.

Where’s my mother’s open arms? Where’s my father lion heart? It’s like the Sun’s gone down. Sleeps in the hallowed ground now. With the Autumn’s dry leaves, with the one who never grieves. – Poets of the Fall.

And the song echoes in my head in repeat mode.

Dreamer

The faint silhouette of a dream beckons me,

Entices me with its allure.

A huge castle, a beautiful red chariot,

An ivory tower, a library to match.

A dream so big, it scares them to bits,

My clarity so precise, I play every game to win.

For what is a dream that isn’t too big,

I spot no pleasure in securing small wins.

What becomes reality is what I irrefutably believe,

My state of mind is my biggest source of relief.

With sizeable conviction and a mammoth sense of self,

I’ll secure a place; in each scene, in every realm. 

A big shot of detachment please!

‘What a Douchebag! This moron has no business meddling in my affairs.’ This was my first thought when a self-proclaimed ‘know-it-all’ in my office told me how to do my job and how to keep my team in control. The person in question was of the opinion that I ought to be authoritative and insult my team members on a continual basis, instead of being friendly with them and emboldening them.

Managing a team is not easy until you understand everyone on an individual level. Everyone has different moods on different days. Some of the team members like you, some don’t and some conveniently pretend to like you. Some are brutally honest and some are sweet as honey. Some are extremely assiduous and some gossip at the drop of a hat. Handling them and getting work done on time is a task in itself, but to top it all when someone from a different department comes and tells you how to manage your business, it’s infuriating to say the least. It’s almost like your neighbor advising you on how to keep your son in control, when his own has taken off to some remote island in the Caribbean.

So, these meddlers keep popping into my life all the time. Sometimes I feel this happens because I am non-confrontational. And just because I don’t mind anyone else’s business, people think it is their right to mind mine. This started to slowly get on my nerves and in turn started affecting my productivity. I’d spend hours dwelling on a negative comment (sometimes personal). I would often wonder, ‘why is this person so eager to know what I eat, who I meet and how I dress!’ And they in turn wondered how I attended office just a week before my wedding. They were somehow unable to fathom that a woman could place her career over something as crucial as her wedding. I’m sure they would never ask the same question to a man, but that’s another topic for another day. Anyway, this really made me wonder. I knew I had to find a solution. I couldn’t always allow people to step on my toes and play with my head.

I kept awake almost an entire night. Finally in the morning, my conscious bullying mind wore off and the much bigger and wiser subconscious mind took over. Like a Zen monk I sat still, stubbornly deciding not budge till I found an answer. Finally it hit me. The solution was so simple and so obvious. Stay detached and don’t give a damn!

Detachment is the ultimate power. I once read a story about a frog that did not get deterred by criticism and made his way to the top of a hill, only because he was deaf and couldn’t hear a word of what the crowd said. From that day on, the deaf frog became my Guru. I decided to do just what he did. Not paying any heed to what people around me said, because everybody would always have different opinions and views. There was no way I could ever make everyone happy. And I realised, there was no need to either.

‘A happy person is one who does not care what others think or say about him.’ Nobody manages to please everyone. You are bound to rile a few people here and there. Even if the majority likes you, you’ll always find some that will definitively dislike you. Few people have the knack of staying unruffled in such situations. They are fighters and have learnt the art of detachment. They do not let anyone’s opinions affect them or get them down. They are not self-deprecating and value themselves greatly.

When you put mud in a pot of water, the mud slowly sinks to the bottom of the pot and gradually settles there. The water also becomes still. But if someone puts their hand in the pot and stirs the water, the mud settled at the bottom comes up abruptly and makes the entire water muddy. The person who put his hand in wipes his hand and walks off, but it takes a long time for the mud to finally settle down and the shaken water to be still again. In the same way, people will always come and put their hands in your life, shake you up, wipe their hands and just leave. And you will end up being disturbed for a long time. To stop giving people the power to disturb you, practising detachment is the safest bet.

And now when someone asks me why I wear black on most days, how do I respond? Well, I just give them a big smile and say, “Because I FUCKING LIKE IT !!”

                                          

The cards have been dealt

If you can’t change the cards, change the way your play the game.

Life can sometimes get amazingly bizarre. One hasty decision can bring a person at a crossroads and he wonders about the choices he made that actually got him there. Just as one reckless move in the game of chess is enough to completely turn the game. In life as well, one bad choice is enough to take a person in a completely different direction.

So what really is at the core of all this? Do these situations present themselves as opportunities to help us grow? Or are they mere repercussions of our bad decisions? I don’t think I have a definite answer as yet. But I do have a vague idea of how things unfold in the long run.

Sometimes life doesn’t give us a choice. Every choice seems like a burden, and whichever way you decide to go you feel you’d be doomed. So you choose the lesser of the two evils. And once the Rubicon is crossed, you cannot go back. The decision gets imprinted in time and hangs there till eternity. It is very easy to lose hope and feel disillusioned at such times. The difficult thing to do is to hang onto every ounce of hope that your frail being manages to find.

The dead-end could just be a simple detour to a beautiful destination. The entire picture takes time to unfold, just like a painting which seems unappealing in the beginning, but towards the end it turns out to be a definitive masterpiece. 

Life doesn’t come with guarantees or gift cards that you can encash whenever you feel hopeless. But, it does come with a tiny sliver of hope that a tenacious man can change his circumstances to make the best out of his current situation in life. As in a game of Poker, the hand dealt doesn’t really matter. A player can win with the shittiest of cards because he doesn’t rely on the cards in his hands, but on the ability of his mind. He doesn’t play the cards, he plays the person. And that is how he wins the game.

What life throws at you, you can never predict. But what you can do is change the game completely with your tenacity. The purpose is not to walk a path strewn with roses, but to proudly wear the crown of thorns as a badge of honor. After all, the game is never over till the King is in the box! 

Fitting in

If someone else's light bothers you, kindly put on your sunglasses!

The most common problem people face these days is that of fitting in. Fitting in to the expectations of others and trying to mold themselves accordingly. Very early on in life, I was taught to be my own person. As much as I like people giving me suggestions and constructive feedback, I detest it when someone tells me how to live my life.

The expectations people have of you are endless. When you adhere to these expectations, slowly you lose your own identity. The very thing that makes you different becomes a cause of disdain for the other. The only way of dealing with this is by making it very clear in the beginning that no matter what, nothing will stop you from living your life, your way, as long as it doesn’t harm another being.

A fool tells another how to live his life and a bigger fool is he who does exactly that. We all come in different shapes and sizes and that is what makes us different in the world. When we try to fit in to someone else’s mold, we must chip off some parts of us. One day we finally realize that there is nothing left to chip anymore. We've fit into the mold, but at what cost? Well, at the cost of losing our individuality. We fail to recognize ourselves because we have been so used to living our life according to others. 

In every walk of life people will expect different things out of you. Whether it is your colleagues, your boss, your partner, your parents, your in-laws, even your children. Everybody will have different expectations based on their preconceived notions. Initially you will try your best to fulfil those and fit into the prefixed molds in order to be accepted and liked, but slowly you’ll discover that you’ve lost most of yourself and become nothing but a people-pleaser. No profound happiness will ever be found if you continue to do this.

Being someone who has been subjected to and adhered to all of the above, I now know that it’s a complete waste of life if you do not preserve the essence of who you are. You grow into a full-fledged life only when you use your own mind and all of your faculties to boost your personal growth. It truly doesn’t matter whether you put your elbows on the dinner table or not. Whether you believe in idol worship or are unabashedly an atheist. It doesn’t even matter if you pursue a career that doesn’t mint tons of money or that you pursue a full time career much to the displeasure of your conservative family. Blooming into a uniquely beautiful, happy individual should be the one and only goal of one’s life. The rest is just hogwash!

Into Oblivion

Oblivion - What a beautiful word! This word appealed to me the moment I read it years ago. Words sometimes have different meanings for different people. They draw a completely different picture in the mind of the person who encounters it. And the feeling I get when I see this word is that of absolute bliss and solace.

To me being oblivious is being totally blissful. The highest state of ecstasy where nothing and nobody touches or affects you. Being so content with life that everything else seems irrelevant and unimportant. The impermanence of everything becomes more evident and living in the moment takes utmost importance.

The seduction of this oblivion is hard to ignore. It’s like a drug that you can’t do without and keep going back to for small doses even when you can’t afford it. But as all drugs are, this feeling too is addictive. In also instils a power of sorts. What someone thinks or does becomes completely meaningless to you and the only lasting meaning you ever find is from your own self. This is the greatest power that one can possess.

Life itself is not easy they say. That’s why I retreat into this oblivion to unwind, just as a person would go to a resort to break away from the mundane routine of everyday life. Oblivious to the working of the world, retreating into the peaceful existence of the mind is the best holiday anyone can ever get.

The allure of solitude is but hard to ignore. The wise need it just as much as the foolish detest it.

I have my mind!

In the opinion of the opinionated you find;

That they talk without using their own mind.

Their inflated egos are their only creation;

Even time robs them of every possession.

They care not for the comfort of the other,

But preach about extending respect to ‘The Mother!’

They guilt you into leaving your supposed vice;

And if you resist, they ask you to pay the price!

Choice is a word they understand not,

Coercion is what they have always been taught.

The intelligent break their shackles and get free;

The fearful follow them and pay a huge fee.

Your free thinking mind distinguishes you;

Or else you’d be just another face in the queue.

A mind I have that I intend to keep,

In no fixed mold would I ever want to fit.

So the opinionated can believe whatever they want;

As a free thinker I will fight the greatest odds!

Sweet Solitude!

Cupid doesn’t seem to like too many people these days. He just hits them with an arrow dipped in a liquid that evaporates faster than acetone. I think Cupid is suffering from a terminal illness and doesn’t have the strength to hit people hard enough. Yes, when nothing else seems to make sense, blame it all on chubby Mr. Cupid.

So, gone are the days when you'd see happy couples at cafes conversing for hours. Now all you see are lonely youngsters, sometimes even oldsters, each to themselves, pretty busy texting (read: flirting with) 5 people at the same time on Whatsapp or We chat or Hike or where ever! Loads of options available here too. Wow!

Currently the population of the world has soared to its highest and yet more and more people are finding themselves at the butt end of loneliness. It should in fact be an opportunity for everyone to choose from the different kinds of people around to connect with, but it is becoming more difficult than ever to find that one striking connection that truly satiates us. Just one conversation that feels as good as drinking a hot cup of coffee in the rain, or reading the last page of a book and not wanting it to end, or jumping into the swimming pool on a cold winter night. Only if love was as easy and enthralling. But why do some of us hit the jackpot, while most of us wonder how the hell did we lose when we had 3 friggin Aces? Is it because we are too greedy as a generation? Or are our expectations too high in general?

Technology is supposed to bring us closer. But the irony is that it has made us more distant. Through Facebook we know about an acquaintance who took a vacation to New Zealand, but we hardly know what's going on in our neighbor's life. We are so busy looking at our smartphones, that we completely miss the person sitting next to us. (My phone is anything but smart. It conks off exactly when I need it and deletes data without my permission. Well, it is whimsical too.) But anyway, we are so occupied playing games on our expensive i-pads, that we forget to appreciate a beautiful sunset, the chirping of birds, the soft breeze, the smell of freshly brewed coffee, the rustling of trees, starry skies, etc. In short, even the beauty of nature escapes most of us.

In an age of instant noodles and instant coffee, most people are looking for instant gratification, instant relationships, even an instant soul mate. Eons back, a guy used to woo a girl by giving her attention, admiring her laugh while she talked to her friends, stealing a glance when no one was looking and by waiting for hours just to see her for 5 minutes. Now if you want a date, all you need to do is log onto Facebook and look at the available options as if going through a menu card.

Well, life is tough and everyone is very ambitious. No one really has the time to take things slow or fall in love at ease. But certain things don’t work any other way for some people. They come with a disclaimer, ‘Take it slow or watch it go.’ Most people lose interest in things as quickly as they get interested in them. So, although we have a plethora of options available today, we are still a lonely bunch of people. And those who can’t stand being lonely, sometimes decide to compromise and spend their lives with people they have almost zero connection or no compatibility with. For the rest of us who do not wish to settle for anything less than extra-ordinary, we just have to bear the sweet pangs of loneliness a bit longer.

Personally, I love solitude immensely. But even as a lover of solitude, I find myself sometimes missing out on those moments of being with someone effortlessly. The feeling of just being with that one person you connect with on all levels. The comfort that comes with knowing that this person understands you and doesn’t have unreasonable expectations of you.

I guess we just have to live with the way things are and hope that what we are looking for is looking for us too, and is probably just around the corner or sitting at the opposite table furiously punching away into their laptops or devouring a walnut brownie. Until that happens, making solitude a welcome companion is the best we can do for ourselves. Because, it is better to be alone than string along with someone who doesn’t make you weak in the knees.

Disclaimer: These are my personal views. If your love life is really awesome and has always been that way then please get yourself checked. You could be a dinosaur.