Sleeping with the enemy

At least a thousand times I’ve desperately wanted to strangle the man sleeping next to me, blissfully snoring away to glory! He is the man I willfully chose to spend the rest of my life with. In sickness and health, for better or worse. In this case, when I have sleepless nights – for worse! This weird specimen being my husband. He not only snores at the highest decibel, but also throws tantrums like a child when you ask him to eat a perfectly fine vegetable like Brinjal.

Marriage is already a complex and difficult thing, especially when 2 strong headed individuals decide to spend the rest of their lives together. They both believe that they are right and do not really compromise on certain things that they intrinsically believe in. But what happens when both the partners are more or less in sync, and yet it’s the small things that get in the way.

You might feel that these trivial things don’t really matter and all of it must be taken with a pinch of salt and sometimes a wad of cotton to prevent hearing impairment. But I feel that it is these small things that one really discovers after living with another human being who looks all sweet and perfect in the beginning. It’s only after spending considerable time with each other that you discover the hidden behaviors and the small things about a person’s personality. Some pleasant and some not quite pleasant.

When I met my husband, he seemed like an absolutely harmless creature. Little did I know that he had not yet overcome his Dennis - the menace phase. And someone like me who ridiculed married folks got lured into the prospect of sharing my life with this young man who I’d met only 3 months back. Once we got married, nothing really changed other than my address. I moved to an amazing city, got the kind of job I was looking for, made some friends and some enemies, basically ensured a normal existence. And it all seemed so great in the beginning till one night lightning struck. I discovered a great truth about my husband. One that pulled the rug below my feet. He occasionally snores! The first time I witnessed this debacle, I just gaped at him in horror. I wanted to instinctively grab the pillow and suffocate him. Luckily the rational side of me immediately pictured me in prison and that was more than enough to deter me from suffocating this man who was completely oblivious to my scheming, plotting ways.

I resolved to deal with this problem heads on. I decided to consult my best friend – Google! Google as usual did not disappoint me and gave me some really sane advice. The next time I was shaken up from deep slumber by the snoring creature, I simply turned him to the other side. And voila! Like magic he shut his mouth and did not even wake up. Thank you Google for being my friend in dire situations always.

So, the learning from this is that a lot of small things will happen in life and people will tell you that you should not get bothered by them, but the honest truth is that it does bother because it’s eventually the small things in life that really matter. Having said this, there is never a problem that does not have a solution. Sometimes the solution is very obvious and sometimes it requires some effort. But eventually, when you do find a solution, you also realize that the problem was not really that big to begin with. Marriage requires work but it is beautiful if two individuals accept each other just the way they are. You can give your partner grief over the fact that he snores, or doesn’t spend enough time with you or that he watches football all the time. And he might just stop doing these things out of fear of upsetting you, but is that really the point? It’s not about massaging your ego. It’s about accepting the other person just as he/she is. Without imposing any conditions whatsoever. We always chip away parts of us to adjust with the other person and so does the other person, but the chipping should not destroy your intrinsic self. It’s not important to be the perfect match or the right fit, but to celebrate each other's  individuality, because there are no parts that were chipped away in order to just fit in! 

No respect for HUSBAND !

“Baap re! Girls these days have no respect for their husbands. In our time, we couldn’t look our husband in the eye, and these girls talk back to their husbands. What has the world come to? This is surely Kalyug!!” my friend’s mother-in-law mumbled while looking in my direction for validation. I sat there wondering what had my friend done to cause so much angst to the most important woman in her husband’s life. She must’ve done something really offensive, I concluded.  

And I was right! She had made a huge blunder. She had committed the cardinal sin of doing what she thought was right. Yes, she gave her opinion on a subject and stood her ground. What right did she have to do such a grave thing? Such bad karma to own up to. She was surely going to burn in hell for speaking her mind.

When I asked her why was she trying to be the Shurpanakha of Kalyug, she just put her hands up in the air and started laughing like a crazy person. Absolutely crazy this girl! How could she use her mind and speak it too? This angered her mother-in-law further and she went on to say, “Look at her, no shame at all. Disrespecting husband and then laughing like a witch. Wow!”

I looked at my friend and gave her an angry glance. That’s when she stopped laughing and put up her hand gesturing me to stop giving her the look. Then she spoke, “Okay so marriage is about equality, right? If yes, then why can’t I have an opinion of my own? When a man disagrees with his wife, why doesn’t anyone tell him not to disrespect her? If it is about equality, why isn’t he coaxed to wear a Mangalsutra and apply Sindoor on his forehead?”

Her mother-in-law who was now fuming, screamed, “BECAUSE HE IS A MAN!”

My friend burst out laughing and said, “Exactly my point.”

Then they kept bickering for a long time and my friend made her point very clear, but her mother-in-law did not budge from her stance. Eventually I decided I had seen too much of the Saas Bahu saga and I took leave. But the episode did not leave my mind. It got me thinking. Who was right in all of this? The stubborn mother-in-law or the liberal daughter-in-law. The answer must’ve seemed very evident but the problem was deeper.

Girls in most Indian families are brought up to believe that the husband has to be revered and respected. If she has an opinion that contradicts his opinion, then she better keep her mouth shut for her opinion is completely worthless. It saddens me deeply to admit that this chauvinistic mindset exists in the 21^st century. The younger generation of women are independent, smart and have a thinking mind. They are not subservient or obedient. They are thinkers and achievers. Why is this so difficult to digest?

The above example of my friend was an eye opener for me. I wondered how many women were being subjected to the same nonsense day in and day out. How many women were being asked to keep their mouths shut in our so called urban, educated families. And how many were still being subtly coaxed to blindly follow old and begotten norms.

Traditions and rules should serve man and not the other way around. When a tradition is nothing but a bondage, it must be done away with. What is the point of following something blindly when it does not even make sense? When a man raises his voice on his wife, he is a man!! But when a woman raises her voice at her husband, she is the ultimate villain. If a woman gives her husband a glass of water after a hard day’s work, it is the seen as the least she could’ve done. But if her husband hands her a glass of water, he is made fun of and called henpecked. What sort of a dualistic mindset is this? If marriage is really about equality, then equality should exist at every level.

All these things are very subtly carried out in a lot of families and they ingrain a very deep but very wrong belief system that the husband is the boss and his word is the final one. Forget society, but if we want to live better lives where our women are respected and cherished, we need to change this mentality. Your daughter-in-law is the one who has left her family to live in yours. She is the one who will bear your grandchildren and give them your family name. She is the one who supports your son financially, emotionally and mentally. The least you can do is treat her as an individual and not as a devotee to your very mortal son.

I dearly hope this scenario changes soon and every married woman reserves the right to keep her maiden name, not wear anything that is against her wishes and give her valuable opinion on any subject without being ridiculed. The day this happens for every single woman, women would celebrate and cherish womanhood.  

No time for Mom

“Mom, don’t irritate me. Please leave me alone,” I howled. Not once, but umpteen times. She responded by quietly leaving the room and getting on with her daily chores. She wanted a few moments of my valuable time. She wanted to talk to me for a little while. Why would she want to disturb me when I was right in the middle of a very interesting conversation with my friend? I guess because she was a mother and she felt lonely at times. All she wanted at such times was someone to talk to and someone who would listen to her trivial stories. Not because she wanted to give advice or sermonize, but only because she wanted to connect with me on some level. She wanted to laugh at my jokes and tell me her stories in turn.

Like a typical teenager, I frequently avoided her. This discourteous behavior continued even after I entered my twenties. I never wanted to answer her questions and felt more inclined to be by myself in the confines of my room. Although she never understood my need for solitude, she gracefully reserved commenting on it and silently went about doing other things. Eventually, the frequency of her botheration decreased. Whenever she saw me sitting alone, she would just smile at me without uttering a word. Regrettably, I found relief in that.

A few years have passed since then and now I am at a nostalgic stage in my life where I long to sit with her and chat with her for hours. Narrate to her the smallest detail of my day. Share with her ridiculous anecdotes. Just see her beautiful smile. I yearn to see my mother and rest my head on her lap. I long to see the sparkle in her eyes and feel her gentle caressing hand on my forehead.

I shunned her once too often and now I carry a heavy heart filled with agonizing regret. The biggest bane is that all a man can ever do is repent. He can never undo his deeds. I wish I could go back in time and take away all the hurt I caused this beautiful woman. The one who hid my flaws with her grace and cushioned me with her care. She loved me unconditionally and cared for me even more when times were grueling. When the chips were down, her resilient spirit shone brighter and the smile on her face widened. She was a warrior at such times. She put up a brave front and shielded me like a loyal soldier.

Today, I feel an immense need to apologize to her and comfort her. Sit with her for long hours and listen to her. But most of all, I feel the need to thank her. Thank her for never being over-demanding or overbearing. Thank her for never shaming me or making me feel guilty for my behavior. Thank her for just letting me be.

I never realized how deeply I hurt my mother. Her silent spells that seemed like a relief to me then, haunt me now. Her absence has created a vacuum in my life. No matter how often I gave her a cold shoulder, all she ever offered me was warmth and comfort. I miss my mother’s open arms and salute her intrepid spirit. I live in the hope that she forgives me for all my misdoings. Home, I’ve realized is not a place, but a person. And all I long for right now is to be home in the solace of my mother’s protection.

Where’s my mother’s open arms? Where’s my father lion heart? It’s like the Sun’s gone down. Sleeps in the hallowed ground now. With the Autumn’s dry leaves, with the one who never grieves. – Poets of the Fall.

And the song echoes in my head in repeat mode.

Dreamer

The faint silhouette of a dream beckons me,

Entices me with its allure.

A huge castle, a beautiful red chariot,

An ivory tower, a library to match.

A dream so big, it scares them to bits,

My clarity so precise, I play every game to win.

For what is a dream that isn’t too big,

I spot no pleasure in securing small wins.

What becomes reality is what I irrefutably believe,

My state of mind is my biggest source of relief.

With sizeable conviction and a mammoth sense of self,

I’ll secure a place; in each scene, in every realm. 

A big shot of detachment please!

‘What a Douchebag! This moron has no business meddling in my affairs.’ This was my first thought when a self-proclaimed ‘know-it-all’ in my office told me how to do my job and how to keep my team in control. The person in question was of the opinion that I ought to be authoritative and insult my team members on a continual basis, instead of being friendly with them and emboldening them.

Managing a team is not easy until you understand everyone on an individual level. Everyone has different moods on different days. Some of the team members like you, some don’t and some conveniently pretend to like you. Some are brutally honest and some are sweet as honey. Some are extremely assiduous and some gossip at the drop of a hat. Handling them and getting work done on time is a task in itself, but to top it all when someone from a different department comes and tells you how to manage your business, it’s infuriating to say the least. It’s almost like your neighbor advising you on how to keep your son in control, when his own has taken off to some remote island in the Caribbean.

So, these meddlers keep popping into my life all the time. Sometimes I feel this happens because I am non-confrontational. And just because I don’t mind anyone else’s business, people think it is their right to mind mine. This started to slowly get on my nerves and in turn started affecting my productivity. I’d spend hours dwelling on a negative comment (sometimes personal). I would often wonder, ‘why is this person so eager to know what I eat, who I meet and how I dress!’ And they in turn wondered how I attended office just a week before my wedding. They were somehow unable to fathom that a woman could place her career over something as crucial as her wedding. I’m sure they would never ask the same question to a man, but that’s another topic for another day. Anyway, this really made me wonder. I knew I had to find a solution. I couldn’t always allow people to step on my toes and play with my head.

I kept awake almost an entire night. Finally in the morning, my conscious bullying mind wore off and the much bigger and wiser subconscious mind took over. Like a Zen monk I sat still, stubbornly deciding not budge till I found an answer. Finally it hit me. The solution was so simple and so obvious. Stay detached and don’t give a damn!

Detachment is the ultimate power. I once read a story about a frog that did not get deterred by criticism and made his way to the top of a hill, only because he was deaf and couldn’t hear a word of what the crowd said. From that day on, the deaf frog became my Guru. I decided to do just what he did. Not paying any heed to what people around me said, because everybody would always have different opinions and views. There was no way I could ever make everyone happy. And I realised, there was no need to either.

‘A happy person is one who does not care what others think or say about him.’ Nobody manages to please everyone. You are bound to rile a few people here and there. Even if the majority likes you, you’ll always find some that will definitively dislike you. Few people have the knack of staying unruffled in such situations. They are fighters and have learnt the art of detachment. They do not let anyone’s opinions affect them or get them down. They are not self-deprecating and value themselves greatly.

When you put mud in a pot of water, the mud slowly sinks to the bottom of the pot and gradually settles there. The water also becomes still. But if someone puts their hand in the pot and stirs the water, the mud settled at the bottom comes up abruptly and makes the entire water muddy. The person who put his hand in wipes his hand and walks off, but it takes a long time for the mud to finally settle down and the shaken water to be still again. In the same way, people will always come and put their hands in your life, shake you up, wipe their hands and just leave. And you will end up being disturbed for a long time. To stop giving people the power to disturb you, practising detachment is the safest bet.

And now when someone asks me why I wear black on most days, how do I respond? Well, I just give them a big smile and say, “Because I FUCKING LIKE IT !!”

                                          

The cards have been dealt

If you can’t change the cards, change the way your play the game.

Life can sometimes get amazingly bizarre. One hasty decision can bring a person at a crossroads and he wonders about the choices he made that actually got him there. Just as one reckless move in the game of chess is enough to completely turn the game. In life as well, one bad choice is enough to take a person in a completely different direction.

So what really is at the core of all this? Do these situations present themselves as opportunities to help us grow? Or are they mere repercussions of our bad decisions? I don’t think I have a definite answer as yet. But I do have a vague idea of how things unfold in the long run.

Sometimes life doesn’t give us a choice. Every choice seems like a burden, and whichever way you decide to go you feel you’d be doomed. So you choose the lesser of the two evils. And once the Rubicon is crossed, you cannot go back. The decision gets imprinted in time and hangs there till eternity. It is very easy to lose hope and feel disillusioned at such times. The difficult thing to do is to hang onto every ounce of hope that your frail being manages to find.

The dead-end could just be a simple detour to a beautiful destination. The entire picture takes time to unfold, just like a painting which seems unappealing in the beginning, but towards the end it turns out to be a definitive masterpiece. 

Life doesn’t come with guarantees or gift cards that you can encash whenever you feel hopeless. But, it does come with a tiny sliver of hope that a tenacious man can change his circumstances to make the best out of his current situation in life. As in a game of Poker, the hand dealt doesn’t really matter. A player can win with the shittiest of cards because he doesn’t rely on the cards in his hands, but on the ability of his mind. He doesn’t play the cards, he plays the person. And that is how he wins the game.

What life throws at you, you can never predict. But what you can do is change the game completely with your tenacity. The purpose is not to walk a path strewn with roses, but to proudly wear the crown of thorns as a badge of honor. After all, the game is never over till the King is in the box! 

Fitting in

If someone else's light bothers you, kindly put on your sunglasses!

The most common problem people face these days is that of fitting in. Fitting in to the expectations of others and trying to mold themselves accordingly. Very early on in life, I was taught to be my own person. As much as I like people giving me suggestions and constructive feedback, I detest it when someone tells me how to live my life.

The expectations people have of you are endless. When you adhere to these expectations, slowly you lose your own identity. The very thing that makes you different becomes a cause of disdain for the other. The only way of dealing with this is by making it very clear in the beginning that no matter what, nothing will stop you from living your life, your way, as long as it doesn’t harm another being.

A fool tells another how to live his life and a bigger fool is he who does exactly that. We all come in different shapes and sizes and that is what makes us different in the world. When we try to fit in to someone else’s mold, we must chip off some parts of us. One day we finally realize that there is nothing left to chip anymore. We've fit into the mold, but at what cost? Well, at the cost of losing our individuality. We fail to recognize ourselves because we have been so used to living our life according to others. 

In every walk of life people will expect different things out of you. Whether it is your colleagues, your boss, your partner, your parents, your in-laws, even your children. Everybody will have different expectations based on their preconceived notions. Initially you will try your best to fulfil those and fit into the prefixed molds in order to be accepted and liked, but slowly you’ll discover that you’ve lost most of yourself and become nothing but a people-pleaser. No profound happiness will ever be found if you continue to do this.

Being someone who has been subjected to and adhered to all of the above, I now know that it’s a complete waste of life if you do not preserve the essence of who you are. You grow into a full-fledged life only when you use your own mind and all of your faculties to boost your personal growth. It truly doesn’t matter whether you put your elbows on the dinner table or not. Whether you believe in idol worship or are unabashedly an atheist. It doesn’t even matter if you pursue a career that doesn’t mint tons of money or that you pursue a full time career much to the displeasure of your conservative family. Blooming into a uniquely beautiful, happy individual should be the one and only goal of one’s life. The rest is just hogwash!